Untrue Stories

The Telescreen Programme: Newspeak Phrasebook

Episode Summary

Brush up your Newspeak with a selection of typical scenes from Oceanian everyday life, with Oldspeak translation.

Episode Notes

Brush up your Newspeak with a selection of typical scenes from Oceanian everyday life, with Oldspeak translation.

As a bonus mini-episode, we bring you a telescreen programme from the world of Orwell's 1984. Learn about Oceania's official language, Newspeak, maked hardworkwise by Oceania's goodest brainers to plusficient your talkfulness while decriming your think.

CAST 

The lyrics of the Oceanian National Anthem, Oceania, 'Tis For Thee, were extrapolated by Robin from a title by George Orwell. The anthem was sung by several of Robin and two of Eve Morris, and accompanied by an unaccompanied public domain recording of The Internationale.

A transcript of this episode is available here.

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Robin can be contacted at robindouglasjohnson@gmail.com. Share and Enjoy!

Episode Transcription

[FX: Click of a button. Radio crackle starts, continuing throughout the episode.]

ANNOUNCER: And now on the Telescreen programme, it's time for Newspeak Phrasebook.

THEME TUNE: I speak!/ You speak!/ We speak!/ Newspeak! / Don't speak/ Oldspeak/ Do speak/ Newspeak!

TEACHER: This-day-wise in Newspeak-Ed: in shop!

OLDSPEAK: Today on Newspeak Phrasebook: At the shops.

[FX: Shop bell]

1ST CUSTOMER: I want to shop bootstring.

OLDSPEAK: I would like to buy some shoelaces.

SHOPKEEPER: Malluckwise, comrade, a panlandful bootstring plentyfail is nowful.

OLDSPEAK: I'm sorry, sir, but unfortunately there is a nationwide shortage of bootlaces at the moment.

1ST CUSTOMER: [Tut] Typful.

OLDSPEAK: Typical.

SHOPKEEPER: Exit carewise.

OLDSPEAK: Take care, now.

[FX: person tripping, knocking objects over]

1ST CUSTOMER: Aah!

POLICEMAN: Oy oy!

1ST CUSTOMER: Plusapol, thinkpolsarge. My boot unweared so I falled.

OLDSPEAK: I am terribly sorry, officer. I tripped because my shoe fell off.

POLICEMAN: You're joycamped, goodsky!

OLDSPEAK: You're nicked, sunshine.

[FX: Scuffling]

SHOPKEEPER: Thenshopper!

OLDSPEAK: Next customer, please.

[FX: Shop bell]

2ND CUSTOMER: I want to shop lit.

OLDSPEAK: I would like to buy a book.

SHOPKEEPER: [Suspiciously] Spec litkind?

OLDSPEAK: What sort of book?

2ND CUSTOMER: Pastlit.

OLDSPEAK: A history book.

SHOPKEEPER: Truthful pasttales telescreen daywise.

OLDSPEAK: Perfectly accurate historical programmes are broadcast every day on the telescreen.

2ND CUSTOMER: I want lit containful of otherthinkful pasttales.

OLDSPEAK: I wish to read a book that encompasses unapproved and dangerous alternative perspectives.

2ND CUSTOMER: Specwise, pastlit of landwinnage from a subglobenative seepoint.

OLDSPEAK: I am particularly interested in the history of colonialism from the perspective of indigenous populations in the Global South.

SHOPKEEPER: Securades, joycamp this crimethinker. Thenshopper!

[FX: Scuffling]

OLDSPEAK: Security, arrest this deviant. Next customer, please!

[FX: Shop bell]

3RD CUSTOMER: [Nervously] I... I merewise want caf.

OLDSPEAK: I only want to buy a cup of coffee.

SELLER: Plusgood, comrade. We stock Victory synthcaf.

OLDSPEAK: You're in luck, sir. We have government-brand advanced coffee substitute.

3RD CUSTOMER: No... biocaf?

OLDSPEAK: Do you not have any traditional biologically farmed coffee?

SELLER: Victory synthcaf outgoods biocaf mouthwise, dollarwise and goodthinkwise.

OLDSPEAK: Government-brand advanced coffee substitute is far superior to organic coffee in flavour, cost efficiency, and ideological soundness.

3RD CUSTOMER: I gonefeel biocaf.

OLDSPEAK: I miss organic coffee.

3RD CUSTOMER: I can doubleplusdollar.

OLDSPEAK: I'd be willing to pay handsomely.

SELLER: Happenwise... [Conspiratorially] I stock smallful subdesk crimeshop Eastasia cafnuts.

OLDSPEAK: It does so happen that I may have a little supply of bootlegged Java beans under the counter here.

[FX: Helicopter. Sirens. A vehicle smashes through a window. Whistle blows, tramp of ironshod boots. Sirens and helicopter noise continue for the rest of the scene. Shop bell rings.]

RUTHERFORD: Thinkpol, joycamp this shopcrimetwosome!

OLDSPEAK: Constables, arrest this pair of contraband-dealing miscreants.

[FX: Fighting and cries of pain, continuing for the rest of the scene]

RUTHERFORD: [Joyfully] Then biocaf me.

OLDSPEAK: And make me a cup of that organic coffee.

[FX: Coffee being poured and stirred. Sipping]

RUTHERFORD: Mmmm... plusmouthfeelful!

OLDSPEAK: Delicious!

TEACHER: Thendaywise in Newspeak-Ed: in joycamp!

OLDSPEAK: Tomorrow on Newspeak Phrasebook: in prison.

[Newspeak Phrasebook theme tune plays again]

ANNOUNCER: Newspeak Phrasebook was a Ministry of Truth Production generated by a Model 9 Versificator. All rise for the National Anthem. And I want to hear singing. 2447 Robinson J., that means you!

["Oceania 'Tis For Thee" starts. Same tune as "The Internationale".]

ANTHEM: O Glorious State of Oceania,
Thy people resolute and bold!
We seethe with patriotic mania
And we do as we are told!
Imbued with brilliance and bravery
Across thy width and breadth and length;
Where war is peace and freedom's slavery,
And our ignorance is strength!
We're at war with Eurasia,
And so we've always been;
How do we know? It tells us so,
Upon the telescreen!
Oceania is noble!
Oceania is free!
With loyal salutes, we lick thy boots;
Oceania, 'tis for thee!

[FX: Click. Radio crackle stops.

Short pause, then the Untrue Stories theme music starts.]

ROBIN: Untrue Stories is written and produced by Robin Johnson. This episode featured Alexander Walsh as the telescreen announcer and customers, Robin Johnson as the shopkeeper, Liselle Nic Giollabhain as Captain Rutherford, and Eve Morris as the Oldspeak interpreter. If you are enjoying Untrue Stories, please consider leaving a rating on Apple Podcasts, Goodpods, or your favourite podcast platform. Find all episodes of Untrue Stories wherever you find podcasts.

[Music plays out.]