Big Brother makes an unofficial visit to the Inner Hebrides Joycamp to pay his personal respects to a special prisoner.
Big Brother makes an unofficial visit to the Inner Hebrides joycamp to pay his personal respects to a special prisoner.
This is a mini-episode taking place some time between the events of episode 4 "How a Nation is Exploited". Starring Robin Johnson as George Orwell, Alexander Walsh as Isaac Asimov, Eve Morris as the joycamp commander, Patrick Spragg as H. G. Wells, and Lionel Ritchie, Bill Withers and Curt Smith as Sonny Walk-Man.
References
A transcript of this episode is available here.
If you've enjoyed the show, we'd love it if you could leave us a rating on iTunes, Spotify, Podchaser or your favourite podcast site/app — and tell your friends!
Follow us on
If you would like to help cover our costs, you can tip us at ko-fi.com/untruestories or buy Untrue Stories merch at our zazzle store.
Robin can be contacted at robindouglasjohnson@gmail.com. Share and Enjoy!
[Theme music plays under the first few lines.]
ANNOUNCER: The story you are about to hear...
[FX: Helicopter landing. Prison siren blaring]
ANNOUNCER: ...is untrue.
[Music fades out.
FX: Prison door opening]
COMMANDER: (Flustered) Big Brother! Welcome to Inner Hebrides Joycamp, sir.
ORWELL: Bit squalid.
COMMANDER: Yes, sir. If we'd known you were coming--
ORWELL: That wasn't a criticism. It's my understanding that prison camps are supposed to be on the squalid side. You're doing an excellent job.
COMMANDER: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. What is the purpose of your visit, sir? For the record.
ORWELL: Oh, I think you can be excused your recordkeeping on this occasion, Commander.
COMMANDER: It's really no trouble, sir.
ORWELL: It really is.
COMMANDER: Oh, I see, sir. Of course, sir. You were never here, sir. Er, what aren't you here for, exactly?
ORWELL: I wish to speak with a prisoner.
COMMANDER: We've got plenty of those, sir. Anyone in particular?
ORWELL: A writer.
COMMANDER: Ah. They'll be in Smartwing, sir. Where we keep the, you know. Intellectuals.
ORWELL: A writer of what used to be called science fiction.
COMMANDER: Ah. Nerdblock. Follow me, sir.
[FX. Jangle of keys.
Cell door opening.]
ORWELL: That's him?
COMMANDER: That's him, sir.
ORWELL: Commander, take a cigarette break.
COMMANDER: I don't smoke, sir.
ORWELL: Start.
COMMANDER: Of course, sir.
[FX. Cell door closes.]
ORWELL: Well, well, if it isn't Isaac Asimov.
ASIMOV: What are you doing here, George?
ORWELL: Big Brother to you.
ASIMOV: I don't want a job in your cabinet. (Short pause) Can I have a job in your cabinet?
ORWELL: No.
ASIMOV: But you came to me. You said you were putting together a cabal of speculative fiction writers to take over the world and you wanted a robot guy. I'm perfect for the job. What changed?
ORWELL: I'm afraid that one's on me. I hadn't looked into your writing thoroughly enough, or indeed at all. I just heard you were the robot guy.
ASIMOV: I am the robot guy. My robots are awesome!
ORWELL: But we were planning a dystopia. What I had in mind was along the lines of the "develop superintelligence and subjugate human race" model of robots.
ASIMOV: Oh, that's so trite. My robots are way better. They don't do murderous uprisings. Their brains are fundamentally wired so they can't harm humans, they have to obey all orders--
ORWELL: Not exactly our brand, is it? Not very dystopian.
ASIMOV: Well, it sucks for the robots. (Pause) Is that why I ended up in here? 'Cause I wouldn't make your stupid cyber-rebellion?
ORWELL: No, no, no. You're in here because of this.
[FX. Paper being unfolded.]
ORWELL: "Review of 1984".
ASIMOV: I already told your guys, I didn't write that.
ORWELL: Not in this timeline. Nonetheless, you wrote that review.
ASIMOV: The guy in the other timeline is someone else. I never even read your lousy book.
ORWELL: You didn't have to. It's so much more than a book now. It's an immersive interactive experience. We modelled the world on it.
ASIMOV: Yeah? Well, your world is awful and, if parallel-universe-me's got any taste, your book blows.
ORWELL: You absolutely hated it, didn't you? Said I was too nostalgic, too mean to Stalin, didn't have any robots. You know I can't let that sort of sedition go unpunished. What kind of tyrant would I be then?
ASIMOV: I stand by it all. [Defiantly] Robots are cool.
ORWELL: Have you heard of Room 101, Isaac?
ASIMOV: Well, nobody's free with information around here, but — you hear whispers. Whatever's in there — nobody wants to meet it.
ORWELL: Quite right. You see, Room 101 is where we keep the worst thing in the world. And the worst thing in the world varies from person to person. For some people it's being eaten by rats, or buried alive. We had one person last year whose Room 101 was a furniture shop. It also has no constant physical location. Room 101 can be whatever conference room's free that day, or wherever we can fit the elephant. It can even be your own cell. Goodbye, Isaac. When you're ready to renounce your article, shout for the guard.
ASIMOV: I never will. Robots rule!
[FX. Object clatters to floor. Cell door closes.]
ASIMOV: Hey, you dropped — what is that? "Sonny... Walk-Man"?
WALKMAN: [From Lionel Ritchie's "Hello"] Hello!
ASIMOV: A robot head!
WALKMAN: [From Bill Withers' "Lean on Me"] I'll be your friend
ASIMOV: I always wanted a robot friend! My name's Isaac, what's yours?
WALKMAN: I'll be your frieee... [dies out]
ASIMOV: What the...
[FX: sad beeping]
ASIMOV: ..."Low battery"?
WALKMAN: [From Tears For Fears' "Mad World"] I'm dying... [splutters out]
ASIMOV: No... No! NO! It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!
[His cries fade out. Short silence, then they fade back in, muffled; we're on the other side of the cell door.]
COMMANDER: Finished, sir?
ORWELL: More or less. Just going to peep into the cell next door, actually...
[FX: Papers flipping on a clipboard]
COMMANDER: That's, er, 0181 Wells H G. Charges of second-degree thoughtcrime with intent to ponder.
ORWELL: I know.
[FX: cell hatch opening]
WELLS: Hello, George.
[Theme music fades in]
ORWELL: I'll catch up with you later.
ANNOUNCER: Untrue Stories: The Adventures of George Orwell and H. G. Wells starred Robin Johnson as George Orwell, Alexander Walsh as Isaac Asimov, Eve Morris as the joycamp commander, Patrick Spragg as H. G. Wells, and Lionel Ritchie, Bill Withers and Curt Smith as Sonny Walkman. Find Untrue Stories wherever you find podcasts.
[Theme music fades up and plays out.]