Wells and Julia have changed the future, but can they be sure they've changed it for the better? No.
Wells and Julia have changed the future, but can they be sure they've changed it for the better? No.
H. G. Wells' and Julia's tinkering with the timeline has unexpected (and, of course, untrue) results. Julia, born in the future they've just changed, experiences a strange transformation as the timeline ripples... but what does it mean? And all the while, their enemies' power grows ever stronger, leading to the arrival of a character who might finally be able to give them some answers — but if so, they'll be in the next episode.
Starring Robin Johnson as George Orwell, Patrick Spragg as H. G. Wells, Tara Court as Julia, Liselle Nic Giollabhain as Captain Rutherford, and Joanna Lawrie as Mrs Watchett, plus special guest appearances by Lionel Ritchie, Annie Lennox, Roger Daltry, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Peter Gabriel, Edwin Starr and Tony Fenelle. Sound effects were sourced from freesound.org.
2022-09-07: This episode has been updated to improve audio quality.
A transcript of this episode is available here.
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VOICEOVER: The story you are about to hear is untrue. Only the facts have been changed to make it more interesting.
[Theme music starts]
VOICEOVER: Previously on The Adventures of George Orwell and H. G. Wells...
ORWELL: Wells, you have constructed a time machine... out of a bicycle?
WELLS: I will travel through time, seven days into the future.
[FX: Time travelling bicycle. This sounds similar to a non-time-travelling bicycle, but speeds up and warps, then ends abruptly on the 'ding' of its bell]
JULIA: Can I help you, comrade?
WELLS: I'm looking for George Orwell.
JULIA: He died. I'm his granddaughter, Julia. We're in a totalitarian dictatorship, there's a perpetual war between the three world superpowers, and nobody in the world can make a decent brew.
WELLS: What's this?
JULIA: His novel. Nineteen eighty-four. A rewrite. Newspeak, doublethink, it's all in here.
WELLS: This isn't what he wrote.
JULIA: On the fourth of December, Grandad sent his manuscript to the publisher. Whatever prediction goes in that envelope is what won't happen. Take me back with you.
[FX: time-travelling bicycle.
Wibbly-wobbly sci-fi sound effect.]
WELLS: Ah, you feel that? Sort of wibbly-wobbly feeling? That's the future changing.
VOICEOVER: The Adventures of George Orwell and H. G. Wells. Episode three: Battle Ground.
[Theme music ends]
JULIA: How will we know if we’ve succeeded in changing the future?
WELLS: What, apart from waiting thirty-six years? I suppose you might change.
JULIA: I do feel a bit different… sort of… cooler… and angrier.
WELLS: Oh, christ.
JULIA: What the –
WELLS: Look at you!
JULIA: I'm in rags! Where's my uniform? What are these, blue denim trousers? They’re ripped all over. There’s no sleeves on this jacket… what’s this on my nose?
[FX: twang!]
JULIA: Ow! It’s a safety pin. Hang on, I’ve got a tattoo here. “Sex Pistols”, what is that, a gang?
WELLS: And your hair –
JULIA: My hair? What about it?
WELLS: Well, it's...
JULIA: I can’t see it, it’s practically shaved.
WELLS: It’s… it’s green.
JULIA: What? Have I got a disease?
WELLS: Or a mutation. [Gasp] From the radiation. There’s only one explanation. Julia, I’m afraid we may have made the future even worse. Somehow we’ve set off a chain of events that’s resulted in a full-scale atomic war. You’ve grown up in a nuclear hellscape. You probably foraged those clothes off of irradiated corpses. I knew I shouldn’t have let you talk me into meddling with the timeline.
JULIA: There’s something in my pocket.
[FX. Clicking of plastic]
WELLS: What is that, a weapon?
JULIA: I don’t know, some sort of machine. Hang on, it’s got a name printed on it: “Sonny… walk-man.”
WELLS: Walk-Man? Sounds like a robot. Give it here. Yes, it’s the robot’s head, see. It’s got a couple of eyes and a little snappy mouth.
[FX. Snap of a walkman being opened and closed]
WELLS: The whole thing was probably the size of a large monkey. Hello, robot! Walk-Man?
JULIA: It’s got buttons.
[FX: Button clicks. Old audiotape sputtering out]
WELLS: Poor thing must be damaged.
JULIA: Can we fix it?
WELLS: I did pick up some robot components on my travels. Get me the saddlebag from the bicycle, will you?
[FX. Rummaging in a bag]
WELLS: Now, Sonny, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m just going to open you up…
[FX. Walkman being opened]
WELLS: This appears to be its… it’s a little cassette with ticker tape in it. Must be its memory banks. Huh, it’s labelled. Just random phrases. "Social Distortion"... "The Damned"... "New Order"... "Scorpions"?
JULIA: I don't know what future that’s from, but it doesn't sound pleasant.
[FX: Rummaging]
WELLS: Somewhere in here… ha, yes! Picked this up in the android empire of the thirty-fifth century.
JULIA: What is that?
[FX: bleeping]
WELLS: It’s a quantum consciousness chip. Highly advanced technology. It’s what turns a robot body into a robot person. Should be able to slip it into Sonny without too much trouble…
[FX: bleeping, walkman being closed]
WELLS: ...and he should be able to talk to us.
[The WALKMAN speaks in clips from popular songs of the late ’70s and early ’80s, each preceded by a short burst of mangled audiotape]
WALKMAN: [From Lionel Richie’s “Hello (Is It Me You're Looking For?)”] Hello!
WELLS: Hello!
JULIA: Hello, robot.
WALKMAN: [From Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams Are Made of These”] Who am I
WELLS: Well, we’re not sure exactly, but we believe you’re a cybernetic organism from an apocalyptic future, and that your name is Sonny Walk-Man.
WALKMAN: [From The Who’s “Who Are You”] Who are you? Who, who, who, who?
WELLS: My name is H. G. Wells. I’m a novelist and former draper’s apprentice. Also the inventor of time travel.
WALKMAN: [From Madonna’s “Who’s That Girl”] Who’s that girl?
JULIA: Julia Blair. Pleased to meet you.
WALKMAN: [From Michael Jackson’s “Blame It on the Boogie”] I just can’t… I just can’t… I just can’t control my feet
WELLS: No, I’m afraid we were only able to recover your head. I can try to build you a new body at some point, but it might take a while, and we are in a bit of an emergency at the moment.
JULIA: Sonny, can you tell us anything about the time you’re from? We think we may have accidentally shoogled history a little bit.
WALKMAN: [From Peter Gabriel’s “I Don’t Remember”] I don’t remember
JULIA: Nothing? Maybe something about a nuclear war, or –
WALKMAN: [From The Temptations’ “War (What Is It Good For?)”] War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
WELLS: Aha, a pacifist robot! I was right! In at least one possible future, anyway.
JULIA: Not much good if it comes after the atomic war.
WELLS: Walk-Man, does the name “George Orwell” ring any bells?
WALKMAN: [From Ultravox’s “Vienna”] This means nothing to me
WELLS: It’s no use. His memories are fried.
[FX. Button click]
JULIA: What do we do?
WELLS: Well, we can’t leave the future like that. We have to switch the manuscripts back.
JULIA: I am not going back to face the Thought Police.
WELLS: Would you rather go back to an atomic wasteland?
JULIA: I don’t know. Well, maybe those aren’t the only two options. The post won’t be picked up till tomorrow morning. You’re the novelist, aren’t you? You’ve got a room, a typewriter, a ream of paper, a full teapot, and six hours. Take the typewriter into your bedroom and get to work.
[FX: typewriter being loaded with paper]
WELLS: What do I write?
JULIA: Whatever we don’t want to happen. What goes to Grandad’s publishers is what doesn’t come true.
WELLS: It’s what I was made for. Come on.
[FX. Internal door opens and closes. Typing.
Typing fades out.
Pause.
Knocking.]
MRS WATCHETT: [Muffled] Rise and shine, Mr Wells!
WELLS: [Yawning] Ah! I’ll be out in a moment, Mrs Watchett.
JULIA: [Waking up] Is it morning?
WELLS: It’s morning.
JULIA: Did you write a book?
WELLS: I did write a book.
JULIA: And?
WELLS: So, there’s this mad scientist, see, and he lives on an island and does cruel experiments on animals and inferior humans, but then Martians arrive so he makes himself invisible and builds an enormous rocket machine and goes off to find a lot of superintelligent steam engines –
JULIA: What about the dystopia?
WELLS: What?
JULIA: You were supposed to write about a dystopian society so that the world won’t be destroyed by nuclear war, remember?
WELLS: Oh well, you know, one has to write as inspiration allows. You’d know these things if you were a writer.
[FX. Door opening]
MRS WATCHETT: I’ve made kipper tablet – oh!
WELLS: Oh my goodness
MRS WATCHETT: I didn’t realise you had company.
WELLS: Mrs Watchett, this is Julia, she’s –
JULIA: I’m his uncle. I mean –
WELLS: She’s my aunt. I mean –
JULIA: He's my niece.
WELLS: I mean –
JULIA: I mean –
WELLS: I'm her aunt. I mean –
JULIA: He's my nephew. I mean –
WELLS: She's a lady from the future.
JULIA: You're his niece. I mean –
WELLS: I mean... she's my niece.
MRS WATCHETT: Don’t you worry Mr Wells, what happens on the island stays on the island. Just make sure she’s paid, 'cause it’s not covered under room and board. Shall I bring an extra cuppa for your niece?
JULIA: That would be lovely. Thank you, Mrs Watchett.
[FX: Door closing.
Wibbly-wobbly sci-fi sound effect.]
RUTHERFORD: Stop there, Wells!
JULIA: Who’s –
RUTHERFORD: Deputy Chief Rutherford, Thought Police, Temporal Division.
WELLS: Temporal?
RUTHERFORD: Yes! We have a fully funded time travel division now. Thanks to certain highly detailed schematics found in a wardrobe during a routine persecution. Thanks for those, Wells. And the promotion I got for finding them.
JULIA: You don’t have jurisdiction here. The state of Oceania doesn’t even exist yet.
RUTHERFORD: Wrong! Thanks to Timesec, we’re able to expand the Party’s reign in both temporal directions. Who controls the past controls the future; and who controls the time machines controls the past. We’ve now got the Ingsoc Party gaining power as early as 1950, and we’re pushing backwards every day.
WELLS: You can’t. You need more time, you need to build an army. You can’t just overthrow a state in a year and a half.
RUTHERFORD: We didn’t need an army. They voted for us.
WELLS: They never would.
RUTHERFORD: They would and they did, and thanks to the wonderful obstinacy of the human mind, they could never admit they’d made a mistake. Within three months we’d abolished democracy, suspended Parliament, replaced it with a board of dictatorship headed by a charismatic puppet, decimated education, taken control of the press, outlawed all forms of protest, declared war on the entire rest of the world, and convinced everyone that all of these were good ideas. If you want to imagine the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever, while a crowd of onlookers chants: “We voted for boots! Get over it!”
WELLS: This can’t be it. There must be a way to –
[FX: Wardrobe door opening. Paper rustling]
JULIA: These schematics?
[FX. Paper tearing]
RUTHERFORD: Oh no! Don’t rip those! Aaaah, I’m going transparent… nope! Not how it works. We’ve placed chronometric anchors all over the continuum. The rule of the Party is for ever. You’re both under arrest for – you know what, it doesn’t matter what for. Loitering, treason, it’s all the same sentence anyway.
[FX: Door opens]
ORWELL: Morning, Wells! Here’s to a future of dystopia and tidy royalties. Oh, hello. Who are these two? Don’t tell me we’ve been quadruple-booked?
WELLS: George Orwell, this is Julia, and Deputy Chief something-or-other.
RUTHERFORD: Rutherford. Sir, would you mind telling me what you’re doing here?
JULIA: [Awestruck] It’s him.
ORWELL: Well, I was rather about to ask you the same thing.
RUTHERFORD: Just apprehending a couple of retrobates, sir. Do you two have anything to say? Doesn’t matter, you’re getting vaporised anyway.
[FX. Pistol being cocked]
RUTHERFORD: Stand still, would you.
WELLS: What’s that?
RUTHERFORD: Vaporiser pistol.
[FX: Sci-fi ray gun, plaster falling from wall]
JULIA: Aagh!
RUTHERFORD: Good, isn’t it?
MRS WATCHETT: [Muffled] That’s comin' out of your deposit!
ORWELL: Hang on, nobody’s vaporising anyone. Put that down.
RUTHERFORD: [Sighs] As you say, sir.
[FX. Clink of metal object being dropped]
JULIA: It is him. I’ve seen his face everywhere, but I never realised. I’ve only seen him old in person. I didn’t make the connection.
WELLS: What are you talking about?
JULIA: That’s Grandad.
ORWELL: What?
WELLS: Er, yes. It is. Just try not to kill him, eh. George, my niece here was just saying you’re a very grand… father of dystopian fiction, weren’t you Julia?
JULIA: He’s Big Brother!
WELLS/ORWELL: What?
JULIA: The face on all the posters. The moustache, the knowing but slightly contemptuous smile, the inscrutable eyes. Grandad never had any old photos of himself but his face was everywhere. On every Party poster on every corner.
ORWELL: Young lady, I assure you we have never met.
JULIA: Not yet.
WELLS: Wait – your grandfather is Big Brother?
ORWELL: Now this is just sounding incestuous.
RUTHERFORD: Your orders, sir?
ORWELL: Er – all right, I’ll have another cup of tea, please.
RUTHERFORD: Right away, sir.
[FX. China clinking.
Wibbly time-travel noise.
Pumping of pneumatic machinery, continuing for the rest of the scene.]
ORWELL: Wells, have I very suddenly become entirely insane, or did a large iron lung just materialise in the room?
WELLS: No, I saw it too, but I suppose there’s the possibility that we’ve both gone mad.
JULIA: It’s there.
BIG BROTHER: [In the voice of ORWELL, through a Darth Vader-style voice box] Greetings.
ORWELL: Who are you?
WELLS: George! It’s you!
ORWELL: What?
BIG BROTHER: My name is Big Brother.
RUTHERFORD: Tea, Big Brother?
BIG BROTHER: Pour it in the funnel.
[FX. Liquid being poured]
BIG BROTHER: Oh, that’s good.
ORWELL: He’s come as Big Brother, Wells! You see? People are cosplaying my book already!
[Theme music starts]
VOICEOVER: Untrue Stories: The Adventures of George Orwell and H. G. Wells was written and produced by Robin Johnson, and starred Robin Johnson as George Orwell, Patrick Spragg as H. G. Wells, Tara Court as Julia, Liselle Nic Giollabhain as Captain Rutherford, Joanna Lawrie as Mrs Watchett, and Lionel Ritchie, Annie Lennox, Roger Daltry, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Peter Gabriel, Edwin Starr and Tony Fenelle as Sonny Walk-Man. Sound effects were sourced from freesound dot org, and made by the users sin2xv0, djgriffin, ccomics88, timbre, keithpeterm keweldog, filsoko, prim-ordial, katelyn100, 13dpanska-tlolkova-matilda, alecbark, inspectorj, floodmix, juanfg, wlabarron, iwanplay, and soundsnapfx. The theme music was by Robin Johnson. The Pantemporal Society for the Protection of Robots reminds listeners that a sentient artificial intelligence is for eternity, not just for life.
[Theme music plays out.]
Script by Robin Johnson (c) 2020-22. No reproduction without permission.